So it's 5a.m and my husband just got in, smelling of alcohol (I quit drinking six months ago), hiccuping so hard it is shaking the bed, and as I try to restrain myself from getting straight hood and checkin him for coming in so early/late in the morning, how do I even begin to feel justified when we are talking about his day (yesterday) being spent viewing his little cousin in a casket? I am neither content or relaxed this very moment. it's all settling in that in just a few hours I will be in the presence of so many angry, trying to cope with such a loss, relatives wanting answers to all their why's.
I'm sitting here early in the morning sad. Nobody up in my house but me and GOD. I can recall a little more than six months ago I would be up feeling this pain and immediately pouring some cubes of ice, and brandy in this coffee mug i'm sipping out of that now holds coffee with Italian cream in it. Is this why I drank my thoughts away? Was life ever this painful? See I can't remember because I spent so many of my days numb by the affects of what was then my GOD. Christian Brother's brandy with ice.
So i'm sitting here early in the morning sobor and coping with the anxiety that i've been consumed with an empathetic spirit all my life, consumed by so many people's pain and often feeling trapped in my own little world of believing there is good in everyone. At 39 I realize this very moment is the moment I graduated from the ignorance of my adolescent mind and have moved on to being a 'big girl'. No more fairytale dreams of the bottle's contents caressing my pain. Just me and GOD looking at the world and all that is in it with sobor reality.
It feels as if my body is made of cement, heavy heart, heavy mind, heavy eyes, heavy shoulders, just a great big heavy soul.
Can you imagine what it must have been like for Dae'von in his last hours of life? Was he crying? Did he call out to his mother? Did he believe in GOD? Did he wish that some random fairytale image he watched on t.v would come and save him from the mean step father doing bad things to him? Did he wonder why he wasn't worthy to live a life like the little kids he played with in school? Did he go to school with a sad face that nobody saw? Was he wearing shoes when he was found dead? Did he have wet tears on his little face? were his hands cleanched or open? Why can't I just stop and be okay right now?
Is this that moment we all experience when your insides are running somewhere and GOD brings you back? I so desperately need GOD right now. I am hurting with the pain of THOUSANDS OF CHILDREN BEING HURT BY BAD ADULTS RIGHT NOW. IS THIS THE FINAL STAGES OF A JOURNEY I'VE RAN FROM FOR ALL OF MY LIFE OR THE BEGINNING? I WANT TO DIGRESS WITHIN AND BECOME CHILDLIKE MYSELF JUST TO MAKE MYSELF LIKE LITTLE CHILDREN JUST TO REASSURE CHILDREN THERE IS ATLEAST ONE ADULT IN THE WORLD WHO DOESN'T HAVE AN AGENDA TO HARM THEM BUT TO SIMPLY MAKE THEM SMILE. AT THIS VERY MOMENT THERE IS NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN JOINING THE FIGHT TO END CHILD ABUSE!
I am exhausted and I need to keep busy because I feel i'm going to explode with feelings so raw I feel I have no skin.
Does anyone have the wisdom and insight to aid in this mind being at peace with the world right now? prey tel!
until the next time people..............NAMASTE